Techniques Step-by-step guide · 8 steps -18

Caressing the clitoris by hand

A slick finger, a little circle around the hood, pressure that builds bit by bit... and pauses that rekindle desire. Here's how to caress the clitoris by hand, solo or with a partner, without ever rushing it.

Duration20 min

DifficultyEasy

IntensitySustained

Props water-based lube

Start

In an attic bedroom one Sunday morning, a man gently strokes the belly of a woman lying beside him, his hand guided by hers. — Step 1Start far from the clitoris

See in Photo Comic art

Start far from the clitoris

The vulva comes last: the nape of her neck, her back, breasts, belly, inner thighs, her whole body comes first. There's no rush.
Why the detour? Because the clitoris is far bigger than it looks. All you see of it is the glans, capped by its hood. Under the skin, the glans extends into a shaft 2 to 4 cm long that bends, then divides into four roots that wrap around the vagina (two of them run along the outer lips): about ten centimetres in all. As desire rises, the whole structure fills with blood and becomes much more sensitive.
Any arousal, whether it starts in the head or under the fingers, can make the clitoris swell, inside and out. That's exactly what you're setting up here.
Then lay your palm flat on her pubic mound: massage, press gently. Squeeze the outer lips with your fingertips, then trail light fingers over the whole vulva, right into its folds.

Get everything wet

Choose a water-based lube. Skip the petroleum jelly and baby oil: they upset the vaginal flora and damage the latex in condoms.
Apply some gel to the inner lips and spread it until the whole area is nice and slippery. No tube to hand? Saliva makes a perfectly good stand-in.
Before each new touch on the clitoris, wet your finger a little. On such a sensitive area, you always caress with a wet finger.

Massage the vulva with your thumbs

Your thumbs are going to trace a loop. Starting point: her perineum (between the anus and the vulva), one thumb resting just above the other.
With light pressure, slide them up the middle together, right over the inner lips.
Just below the hood, they part and slide back down, one on each side, in the groove between the inner and outer lips, to meet again at the perineum. Then the loop starts over, several times in a row.
Don't aim for maximum arousal just yet: it will come soon enough. This massage has another purpose: making her feel that her vulva matters as much as the rest of her body, and deserves the same consideration. Only then, little by little, do your caresses move closer to the clitoris.

Rest your thumb, and keep still

Lick your thumb, or wet it with gel, and rest it gently on the hood, over the glans.
Don't move straight away. This moment of stillness tells her that her vulva is in good hands, and that nobody's in a hurry.
Watch how she reacts to this first contact. If it comes too soon or too abruptly, leave the glans and come back to it a little later.

This moment of stillness tells her that her vulva is in good hands, and that nobody's in a hurry.
Step 4 · Rest your thumb, and keep still

Circle the hood

Gently part her lips with one hand. With the tip of a wet finger, go around the glans in small, tight circles.
Your finger glides over the hood and along the sides, never on the bare glans. And without pressing down: in this spot, the slightest touch is enough.
Vary your paths: circles, then small side-to-side strokes, on the hood or all around it.
A few women like having the glans uncovered at the peak of arousal, so it can be caressed directly. That's by no means the rule: wait for her go-ahead.

Play with pressure

Start with feather-light touches, then caress more firmly as her arousal builds. Save real pressure for when she asks for it.
Remember the shaft of the clitoris, hidden under the skin at the top of the vulva: press it, stroke it or massage it with a wet finger.
Alternate slow and fast, light and firmer, and let each of her reactions whisper your next caress to you.
Her face is your guide: watch her. And ask her what she likes. If she doesn't know yet (it happens), you'll find out together.

Let the glans catch its breath

Don't stay on the glans forever: stimulated for too long, it loses its edge, and the caress can even become painful. While it recovers, your fingers carry on elsewhere.
Rest one hand flat on her pubic mound and gently draw the skin up towards her navel: in some women, this uncovers the glans.
With your other hand, slide a wet finger up and down between the vestibule (the entrance to the vagina and the area around the urethra) and the glans.
Vary the pressure along the way, one moment a light brush, the next a firmer caress, then go back to your little circles around the hood. This game of hide-and-seek keeps desire alive.

Let it build, without chasing the finish

Orgasm comes in its own time: sometimes within a few minutes, sometimes after three quarters of an hour or more, and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't get discouraged: that time is part of the pleasure, hers as much as yours.
Forget the goal: an orgasm under scrutiny, yours or hers, is very likely to stall. What she needs to sense is the pleasure you take in caressing her.
There's no point skipping steps: each caress takes the tension up a notch, and it's everything that's built up that gets released in orgasm.

Who it's for, and when

Who it's for: everyone, with a partner or solo, beginners included. To pleasure themselves, most women simply use their fingers. The clitoris isn't the only instrument of pleasure, but it's at its heart, and often what sets it off: it's the only organ in the human body with no function other than pleasure.

When: as foreplay, after long caresses all over the body, never straight away. On your own, it's also a chance to find out what you like, so you know what to ask your partner for afterwards. Above all, it takes patience and attentiveness.

Precautions: the sensitivity of the clitoris varies enormously from one person to the next. For some women, direct contact hurts, irritates or just feels too intense, while for others it sets off a fit of giggles. Desire has its eclipses too: tiredness, stress or depression can snuff it out, and the pill dials it down in some women.

Persistent pain when touched is worth raising with a doctor or a sex therapist, as are questions about pregnancy or limited mobility. For hands: clean, with short nails. For lube: a water-based gel, never petroleum jelly or baby oil.

Variations and refinementsVariation 1: thumb outside, fingers inside

The idea: to caress the clitoris from both sides at once. Its roots wrap around the vagina: fingers slipped inside reach them, while the thumb stays outside, on the glans.

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Your questions

What people wonder.

How long does it take to reach orgasm?

There's no normal amount of time: five minutes one night, three quarters of an hour another, sometimes longer. Stop watching the clock. The moment either of you turns it into a test to pass, orgasm tends to slip away. Savour the caress for what it is: that's often how it finally comes.

What if her clitoris is too sensitive, or even sore?

Sensitivity varies enormously from one person to the next. Leave the glans alone: caress the shaft through the skin, or massage the pubic mound with the flat of your hand. Squeezing the pelvic floor, or pressing the thighs together with the legs crossed, also stimulates the clitoris indirectly. If the pain persists, talk to a doctor or a sex therapist.

Doesn't a vibrator do a better job than a hand?

Not better, just different. A vibrator or a clitoral suction toy delivers an intensity fingers can't match, and for some women, it's even the surest route to orgasm. A hand, though, feels every reaction and changes its touch in a second. Nothing stops you combining the two, with the toy resting on the pubic mound and your fingers around the hood. Just remember to alternate: once it's used to very strong sensations, the clitoris may snub lighter caresses for a while.

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