Doggy style without the pain

Build a base that holds

• She gets on all fours on the bed, knees directly under her hips and hip-width apart, hands under her shoulders. Thighs vertical, back as flat as a tabletop. That's the neutral base, the one that doesn't strain anywhere.
• A firm mattress rather than a bare floor, and a folded blanket or a flat cushion under the kneecaps. They take the weight of the pelvis and are quick to get their revenge when they're forgotten.
• If her wrists start to burn, she leans on her fists instead. And a trip to the toilet beforehand, because pressure on the front wall of the vagina can wake up the urge to pee.

Line up your hips

If her partner's hips come in too high or too low, he has to dip or hoist himself up, the angle goes wrong and someone pays for it (his lower back, her belly). It's the adjustment people forget most often.

He kneels behind her, torso upright, and plays with the spread of his knees: the wider he opens them, the lower he sinks. If he's still clearly higher, she raises herself on a flat cushion. The marker to aim for: his pubic bone level with her vulva, without anyone having to contort themselves.

Dial in the arch

The more she arches her back, the higher her bottom tilts and the deeper the penetration goes. Delicious when arousal is running high, much less so at the start, and a forced arch ends up pinching the lower back.

To begin with, back almost flat, neck in line with her spine, then she deepens the curve little by little. The opposite move, gently rounding her lower back like a cat stretching, shortens the stroke instantly. It's her dial, and she can turn it in real time.

Slide in slowly, keep control of the depth

• Never go in cold. As arousal builds, the vagina lengthens and widens in its deeper part, and the far end draws back. Every extra minute of caresses buys you room. Lube, too, rather than an entry that catches.
• He moves in slowly, then pauses, hands on her hips to follow her, never to pull her onto him (that's exactly the move that causes the bumping).
• She can reach a hand back and lay it flat on his thigh: as long as she's pressing, he goes no further. He can also close his thumb and index finger into a ring around the base of his penis, the simplest buffer there is.

Good to know: what hurts in doggy style is often the cervix, that small firm dome right at the back of the vagina. It can't be penetrated, and when it gets bumped, it answers with a dull ache, a lot like period pain. Some women like it being brushed, others don't, and she's the one who sets the limit.

Drop onto the forearms to free a hand

• She lowers herself onto her forearms or rests her chest on a pillow tucked under her breasts: her shoulders relax, her wrists get a breather and one hand comes free.
• That hand heads for the clitoris, the way to orgasm for a lot of women and the one thing doggy style leaves on the bench: her own fingers, a small vibrator, or her partner's palm slipped round the front of her hip.
• He keeps one hand free for her back (spine, sides, nape of the neck), which responds to a caress every bit as well as breasts do.
• Chest low, arch steeper, penetration deeper. If it bumps, she rounds her lower back a little.

Listen for what you can't see

With her back to him, you lose sight of each other's faces, so you listen harder. A breath that catches short often gives away a wince, while a long sigh or hips pushing back towards him say the opposite. Agree on a word, "easy" or "stop", that pauses everything, no questions asked (a mirror facing the bed brings back the eye contact, too).

As for rhythm, string together several short, shallow strokes, then a single longer one, because sensitivity often peaks near the entrance. Avoid pulling all the way out: a penis lunging blindly for the entrance is the wrong move that hurts you both. If he feels it building too fast, he goes still until the wave ebbs away.

At the end, he withdraws slowly and she stretches out. Those knees have done their share.