Telling your partner what you want in bed.

To say what you want in bed, the method comes down to three moves: pick a calm moment (not in the heat of things, not in the five minutes after making love), name one single precise desire, and phrase it as a pleasure rather than a complaint. The rest, the sweet words, the raw words, the moans, comes later, once that first sentence is out.

The basic principle is simple: between consenting adults, what happens in bed is nobody's business but yours. And one motto is enough, and it works both ways: forbid yourself nothing... but impose nothing either.

This double rule is the thread running through the whole article. Talking about your desires isn't placing an order, it's opening a door. The other person has the right to say no, so do you, and it takes nothing away from what comes next.

If you find it hard to talk about sex, it's first a matter of shyness and practice: we almost never talk about it day to day, so the day you need to put a desire into words, you simply don't have the words at hand. The result: you can share the same bed for years without ever saying out loud what really turns you on.

The second hurdle, and it's a real one: the available vocabulary is often ugly. Take anal penetration, for example. The common expressions for it are brutal, almost aggressive, and give no idea of the pleasure it can bring. Hard to suggest something using words that put you off yourself.

The third hurdle is the fear of hurting feelings. We worry that "I'd love to try this" will be heard as "what you do isn't enough for me". Hence the value of positive phrasing, which we come back to below: it almost always defuses the misunderstanding.

There's no one right erotic vocabulary: it's up to the two of you to find the register that suits you. A couple who murmur sweet nothings to each other all day won't use the same words as a couple who love schoolboy humor.

In practice, three registers live side by side. The tender ("I feel so good against you", "I want you"), the descriptive, which names things plainly but without aggression ("I love how hard you get", "I love how wet you get", "I love feeling your tongue on me"), and the frankly raw, which plays with forbidden words.

The test is easy: drop a word one notch above your usual level and watch. If the other person smiles, breathes harder, answers in the same tone, keep going. If they tense up, come back down a notch, no big deal. Some very raw words, the ones that suggest brutality rather than pleasure, cool things down more than they heat them up: it isn't prudishness, it's a matter of taste.

Phrasing a sexual request positively means starting from what you already enjoy, instead of pointing out what's missing. The formula that works: "I love it when you... and I'd love for us to try...". You validate, then you add, and the other person doesn't hear a report card.

The second tool, very concrete: show your pleasure the moment it happens. A sigh, a "yes, like that", a hand that presses down: the other person instantly knows you like what's happening, whether you're giving or receiving. And when it's your mouth giving pleasure, your sighs tell them you're enjoying it too.

The third tool, for delicate practices: announce, then ask for the pace. In practice, you tell your partner you want to try something new and ask them to go gently. Same logic for anal penetration: you talk, you have plenty of lube on hand, you ask the other person what they're feeling and what they want, you take as many breaks as needed.

What words should you use to talk about your desires when you don't know where to start? Compliments. They're the easiest way in, because they ask for nothing and expose you to almost nothing. "You smell so good", "I love your hands", "I love what you do to me": three short sentences that open the conversation without weighing it down.

The recipe for a phrase that works has three ingredients: a verb of pleasure (I love, I want, I dream of), a precise detail (a body part, a gesture, a moment), and the present tense. "I love it when you kiss my neck before we've even undressed" is worth a thousand times more than a generic "that was nice".

A workaround for the shyest: watch an erotic film together and react out loud. An "I'd like that" or a "not really for me" tossed out in front of the screen says more about your tastes than a big conversation. And if the very idea of the film makes the other person jump, that's an answer too, and a good starting point for talking about it.

The sweet words to say before making love are nothing complicated: a compliment on a specific part of the body, a desire announced in a low voice, and the look that goes with it. "I love your skin here", "I've been thinking about you all day", "I want to take my time with you tonight": it's tender, it's clear, and it pushes no one.

The setting does half the work. A long hot bath for two, candles instead of the ceiling light, a bedroom where nothing reminds you of laundry to fold: in that kind of setting, the words come out on their own. And it doesn't take much: soft sheets, a few cushions, a massage oil, dim lighting.

Announcing what you're about to do is also a sweet word, and excellent foreplay. "I'm going to kiss you everywhere and I'm not going to hurry" builds the tension before the first touch. The announcement gets the imagination going before the body, and that's often what has the biggest effect.

Naughty phrases, the famous dirty talk, slip in once the arousal is already there, not before. A few examples you can use as they are: "look what you're doing to me", "I love the way you taste", "whatever you do, don't stop", "you drive me wild". Say them while looking the other person in the eye, that's where they hit home.

The mechanics are simple: you name what you're doing or what you want to do, in the present tense, in a low voice. No need for a speech, four or five words are enough. And don't be afraid of the anatomical compliment, it reassures far more than you'd think, men and women alike.

Then you go up a notch if you're both on board. Some couples head toward role-played domination or submission lines, others stay with very carnal descriptions, others laugh a lot: none of these options is better than the others. The only valid criterion is yours, and the only signal to watch is the body in front of you.

What's the point of moaning during sex? Three very concrete things. Moans tell your partner in real time what's working, they confirm you're enjoying it, and they arouse: for many people, hearing the other's pleasure (quickening breath, a moan, a little mouth sound) beats any aphrodisiac.

There's even a physical effect. When your mouth is on your partner's sex, a sigh or a murmur travels straight to the sensitive skin: the sound becomes a caress. It's one of the rare cases where making noise is, literally, a technique.

But, and this matters, in moderation. No need to overdo it: an overacted soundtrack ends up sounding fake and kills the mood instead of feeding it. Three sincere sighs beat a nonstop concert. And if the sounds don't come naturally, don't panic: a whispered "yes" or a squeezing hand passes on exactly the same message.

Eye contact is the amplifier of words in bed: the same sentence whispered with eyes lowered or while gazing into each other's eyes has a completely different effect. A caress given while looking the other person straight in the eye, and the temperature rises before a single word is spoken.

A few specific uses. During oral caresses, pause, lift your head, look at the other person and say "I love this": the pause and the look do more than keeping the motion going. In seated face-to-face positions, like the lotus so dear to tantric sex, the gaze is part of the embrace: you can hold it for a long time, and it multiplies the intensity of the moment.

And then there's the mirror. A standing mirror, or one taken down from another room and set near the bed, lets you both see what's happening without twisting yourselves into knots. It's a formidable shortcut: what you don't dare say, you can sometimes simply show.

Writing an erotic letter to your partner is the best antidote to shyness: no blushing, no awkward silence, and time to choose your words. Three lines slipped under a pillow or sent during the day are more than enough to start.

A simple structure works very well: a precise memory ("I keep thinking about Sunday morning"), a sensation ("it still gives me shivers"), a named desire ("tonight, I'd love for us to do it again, but slower"). You can also write a real little scenario, with roles and a setting: "tonight, I'm a lost traveler and you run the only inn in the village"... An ordinary evening then becomes a story you play out together.

If the blank page freezes you, borrow other people's words. A few erotic books within reach in the bedroom is the lazy and effective solution: underline a passage that turns you on, hand the book to the other person, let them read. You've just expressed a desire without saying a word.

Writing a list of your fantasies together is the gentlest way to name what you'd never dare say point-blank. The method: each of you writes your own list separately, then you compare, with no mocking comments. Three columns are enough: yes, maybe, no thanks.

To get things started, nothing beats a ready-made list of roles. The classic pairings of dominant-submissive play give you ten in one go:

• slave and master
• secretary and boss
• criminal and judge
• student and teacher
• patient and nurse
• fan and pop star
• chauffeur and celebrity
• criminal and police officer
• short man and tall woman
• patient and doctor

You check, you cross out, you talk it over. And above all, you accept that a fantasy can stay a fantasy: a threesome is among the most common desires, for men and women alike, and yet most of the time it remains an image you replay in your head without ever trying to live it. Naming a desire doesn't commit you to acting on it, and that's exactly what makes the list so easy to write.

Suggesting an unusual place is often the easiest desire to put into words, because it doesn't question either the moves or the roles: all you have to do is name the spot. "What if we tried it in the elevator?", "I want you on the stairs", "the balcony, at night, what do you say?". The hardest part is said in one sentence.

After that, the logistics are part of the fun, and you plan them together. Every place comes with its own constraint, and that's often what turns you on: the elevator only gives you a few floors, the building's lobby means listening for the neighbors' footsteps, the parked car means waiting until the dead of night, and a restaurant bathroom mostly raises the question of the exit, to be handled with an innocent look.

Some unusual desires are easier to voice when they come with instructions: "I want to make love on the beach, I'll bring the big towel" goes down much better than a vague "we should try it outdoors". Precision is reassuring and shows you've thought it through.

For the beach, the details really matter. Off season, in spring or fall, beaches empty out and the game becomes possible. Look for a truly sheltered spot, keep something to cover up with within reach, and above all, spread out a big, thick towel: sand sticks to anything wet, and its grains of rock, tiny and very hard, quickly turn the slightest rubbing into a sandpaper session. Without a towel, penetration becomes torture.

In the water, there's another problem: it washes away natural lubrication, and seawater even more so. The fix: a silicone lube, which holds up in water. Failing that, arrive already very aroused and be quick, knowing the end may sting a little, then rinse off well when you get out. As for haystacks, that great classic of 70s naughty films, let's just say they itch: a blanket changes everything. Riverbank, clearing, balcony at dawn, the idea is the same, opportunity makes the thief... and nature is fragile, so don't trash it.

To suggest a light BDSM-style game to your partner, announce a framework, not a practice: "I'd love for us to try one evening where you decide everything for half an hour" or "I want to be tied up, just my wrists, to see what it's like". You're offering an experience that's time-limited and reversible, and you leave the door open to a no.

As for gear, no need to invest: a silk scarf, tied loosely, makes a very soft restraint, a blindfold takes away your partner's sight, and fur-lined handcuffs are plenty for the curious. The staging does the rest: smooth sheets, scented candles instead of the usual lighting, an armchair brought in from the living room, and a slow, languid striptease.

A little practical tip: an outfit that comes off slowly makes the pleasure last (a dress that unhooks at the back, stockings rolled down one at a time, a tie to undo). And while one of you gets dressed, the other sets the scene: the waiting is part of the game.